Our living room is SUPER cosy now. Not only do we have the house plant and the cactus and two sofas but we now have lots of cushions, one that’s particularly fluffy, and a rug and a coffee table. Right now I’m sat with a spotify playlist called ‘The Stress Buster’ playing, I have scented candles lit and I’m sipping my way through a beautiful cup of coffee. I reckon the playlist is doing its job because I feel very chilled.
Life’s thrown a few lemons our way over the last week or so, but there is much lemonade to be made as we move forwards. With everything in the flat finally exactly how we want it, its time to start living. Not to say we haven’t lived a little already, but I have felt a little floaty; a little like I’m floating through, looking at my life from the outside in, examining it and reflecting and trying to carve it to perfection. Now I feel like I’m ready to stop crafting my new life and just start being a part of it.
Writing this chapter, being open and honest, talking about how I feel, it’s all been great. However, it has also meant I find myself thinking about how I’m feeling 24/7. AND I’m examining my life from an outside point of view looking in. I feel like as important as it is to be aware of how you’re feeling and take control of your mind, it’s important to remember to let go occasionally too. Let the thoughts run wild. Scary as that can be. There’s a fine line between letting your thoughts consume you and letting yourself think freely.
I’ve had too much time to think full stop. This week’s for keeping busy and refraining from sitting for too long in one place. I’m resolving to stop trying so hard and to just start going with the flow. A difficult task for any person, let alone an anxious perfectionist with a tendency to think at a zillion miles an hour. If anyone else ever told me to ‘just go with the flow’ I think I’d laugh at their naivity. Just go with the flow. Like it’s that easy? How hard can it be though right?
I reckon it’ll be possible if I’m as busy as I want to be. Working two jobs before Christmas had me doing a pretty good job of living in the moment, taking everything week by week. Next week I’ve got a job interview in London. I’m equally excited and terrified. Gotta get my commuter walk on and find something professional to wear. Then I’ve just got to find some confidence somewhere and blow them away.
I’m going to get my car washed, go scouting for the cutest cafe with Wi-Fi in the area, apply for more jobs, prepare for the interview, see friends, lots of friends and hey, if I’m succeeding I won’t even notice I’m going with the flow, I’ll be too busy doing it, right?
I know I said this chapter was about being honest and accepting my anxiety for what it is, but as we venture further into it, I also want it to be about moving forwards with anxiety and living life to the full despite it. Hoorah to that!